Coming Soon: Infinite Mercy

 This blog has lain dormant for a couple of years.  Not because I had nothing to say, but because I could not figure out how to say it.  Having done a lot of damage through careless statements, I have been cautious about doing more.  I left things with a chapter not-quite-finished; the epilogue has shifted in my brain, back and forth a couple of times.  And meanwhile, absolutely every piece of my life has changed except one... which ironically is the one piece I had sought to change...
 I have some things to say, and they may prove valuable to someone, though I've no illusions that this blog had much of an audience even when the posts were coming with reasonable frequency.  I'm ready to talk now but it's still going to take me some time to get my thoughts in order, to figure out how to structure all this.
 The two magical things that I referenced in January of 2010 were both taken away from me.  My do-over was taken away and given to someone else; the future I lived one day in was a day in his future, not my own.  I've come to terms with the notion that I will never understand what that was all about.  And I can speak to it from a place of peace about the whole thing, from a place where something even more magical has occurred.  I will fill in the details, and I'll stop speaking in code.  But not just yet.  It's coming soon.  For the moment, I leave you with a quote that describes a magic that is available to us all.

Man, in his weakness and shortsightedness believes he must make choices in this life.
He trembles at the risks he takes.
We do know fear.
But no. Our choice is of no importance.
There comes a time when our eyes are opened and we come to realize that mercy is infinite.
We need only await it with confidence and receive it with gratitude.
Mercy imposes no conditions.
And lo! Everything we have chosen has been granted to us.
And everything we rejected has also been granted.
Yes, we even get back what we rejected.
For mercy and truth have met together, and righteousness and bliss shall kiss one another.

Thoughts out of season

here we are at the beginning of summer, and my post belongs in late fall. Oh well, I am out of sync with the seasons...

It is the nature of dry leaves to be blown about by the wind. And it is the nature of wind to blow dry leaves about.

But occasionally, a leaf will get weary of being blown randomly around, and it will come a decision. The leaf will choose its own direction. With grim determination, the leaf defies the wind and purposes to define its own path, chart its own course, and to pursue its own destiny.

And after that happens, nothing changes, because in the end, the leaf is still a leaf, and the wind is still the wind.

Bugs in the System

Michael is right (generally a safe statement in my experience). Me version 2.0 is off to a bumpy start. Some of the biggest differences in the new version: "be more real -- who I am on the outside is the same as who I am on the inside"; "be less worried about the opinions of others about me".

But I think I need to put some kind of governor on the new features. I don't want the new version to be "be an a**hole"; "make everybody hate me".

I knew that there would be friends who liked Glenn version 1.0 who would not like Glenn version 2.0, though I really couldn't speculate as to which friends those would be. I had lost a couple people on the periphery of my life a while ago, but most of my friends have decided to give the new version a chance.

Today I lost the first of the friends who really meant something to me, and I am grieving. I don't know how many more of these I will have to go through, but I know they will all hurt. I don't want it to get easier, I don't want to get numb to the pain of losing a friendship. I know that the new me will make friends with people who would not have been comfortable with the old me, but friendship isn't fungible.

It doesn't help to know that if they liked the old me and not the new one, then they were only friends with a façade, with the "good Glenn" that I tried to make the world believe I was. I suppose they must also be grieving the loss a person that they thought really existed, who turned out to just be a character in a play. Maybe it's like finding out there is no Santa Claus.

But on to happier things. I have had two magical things happen in my life. Things that only happen in story books but you wish they would happen to you. One is that I've gotten a do-over. Nobody ever really gets a do-over, you know, the one thing you wish you could do all over again, you would do it so differently. I don't know why God decided to give me a do-over, but I'm going to savor it. I hope the rest of you get a do-over, too.

And I got to time-travel into the future. I spent one day living my future, and I think my future will be good. If everything goes south and that future never comes about, I will still at least have spent a day there.

Ah, you all think I'm crazy, don't you? That's alright, Glenn version 2.0 doesn't care what people think about him. Well, maybe a little bit.

Me -- Version 2.0

I am in the midst of changing almost everything. It is hard not to be self-absorbed in a process like that. So I'm self-absorbed. Probably all bloggers are self-absorbed actually or why blog... anyway...

I may go through a spell where my home is literally the road. I am in a unique position where I really could do that for a bit -- buy a camper, and live in a different town every night... might do it for a month or so. But I expect to be in Minnesota by spring and I expect to be there for a while.

Right now, I'm on the road again. Good old Williams, Arizona. Here for a week, house sitting for a friend. Lonely at the moment but that will pass.

I think the people who liked the old me will still like the new me, but I also think the new me isn't quite as likable. That's okay.

I live alone now -- a studio apartment in Tucson. I've never lived alone before, not really. I don't know if I could have handled it before but I think it is good for me now. For a spell.

Maybe I'll blog about Williams, because that could be interesting. Blogging about myself is probably not. Stay tuned.

Random and Not Terribly Optimistic Ramblings

I had a saying that I used to say to myself: Pursue happiness, and you will find it elusive. Pursue goodness, and happiness will pursue you. I still kinda think it might be true, but it led me to let myself be misused a lot... and maybe now I've over-corrected. I dunno.

I am the only one living my life; I'm the only one who ever has lived my life or ever will. I don't care what patterns it matches, it's a unique experience, and you can't automatically apply generic assumptions. I imagine that your life is the same. Let's all keep that in mind.

A couple weeks ago I was riding my motorcycle to church. It was an absolutely glorious day, perfect for a motorcycle ride. I thought to myself, the weather is probably great all the way from here to Minnesota. I came this close to just riding on and on, leaving it all behind. But I turned right and headed in to church, parked the bike and went on in. The bike never started again, worn out beyond repair. I wouldn't have even made it to New Mexico.

On the front lawn, up on cement blocks, rusting

Hey, look, it's my blog. It has been almost a year since my last real post.

I have not been on any road trips to speak of. One trip to L.A. and back, that's about it. I went to Minnesota in the spring, but that was by plane.

I don't really have much to say except that I don't really have much to say and that I wish I did. Also, everything looks exactly the same as it did a year ago, but actually, everything is completely different. I can't explain it yet. Maybe I will never be able to.

Recently my friend Melissa started a blog. Even more recently my friend Dylan started a blog. You should read their blogs because they have something to say. Which hopefully I will also have someday. I expect I'll do the 24 hour comic again this year, so my other blog will get a post or two. I don't know when my next road trip will be. There is nothing on the horizon. No distant sounds of revving engines. My life is greasy side up and shiny side down at the moment.

Meanwhile, in My Other Blog

So this is my road-trip blog.

I also have a contest blog. For when I decide to compete in something.

I think if I decide to talk about other aspects of my life, I'll just try to fit it into one of my two blogs. I'm not really sure why I even have two blogs.

But right now, all the action is in my other blog (on account of I'm not on a road trip). So, for all you Glenn Wichman fans out there jonesin' for just a little more news on what's going on in my life, it is currently to be found at http://7dayquest.blogspot.com/