When we were done in Iowa, we dispersed in every direction. Jake went south. Ariel went east. Nate and Mallo went west. Jerry? Well, who knows. And Rob and I went north.
We got to drive together from Cedar Falls to Saint Paul, a great drive for a long talk. We spoke of many things, but one was the subject of liking oneself.
Do you like yourself?
It's a given that it is good to like yourself, and it is bad to not like yourself. And I've thought about this a bit. What do we mean when we ask the question?
We could mean: Do you admire the person that you are?
We could mean: Do you enjoy the experience of being you?
That second meaning has rarely been a problem for me. Most mornings I wake up delighted with the prospect of getting to be me for another day. The first meaning has been more problematical, and has generally been in tension with the first.
The more I am enjoying being me, the less I admire the person I am, and vice-versa. I (try to) do thing that I know are good, but I don't enjoy it, or I do things that I enjoy, but they aren't doing anybody besides me any good. The trick is to try to get these things to converge instead of conflict.
For me, the work in Iowa (and earlier in New Orleans) is where enjoying myself and admiring myself come together. There's a general consensus all the way around that what we did in Iowa was a Good Thing. It was also very fulfilling. Working together with people I enjoy, ripping walls out of houses, seeing the pile of rubble grow as we make progress, it's just a blast.
2 comments:
YOU HAD A BUTTER BURGER?????? I am sooo jealous!!! How was it?
I think God is doing all kinds of stuff...it's just different from the N.O. trip. I suspect more will download to your heart/soul as time goes on.
Miss you!!!!!
Very insightful!
I find that I can admire myself even if I'm not actively making an obvious and significant difference in someone else's life. Just smiling at someone on the street and seeing them smile back gives me the same thrill of fulfillment that knocking down a moldy wall so it can be rebuilt does... maybe even moreso, actually. Tragedy relief is important and necessary, but it's the little things that get so often overlooked, so doing good there, while a logical analysis of the big picture makes it look insignificant, can make all the difference in the world to someone's spirit. If someone is drunk on the street begging for money, what they need is Jesus and alcohol rehab, but what I an give them is a dollar and a smile, maybe even a conversation and a meal if I have the time. Even if they spend that dollar on more booze, they have been reminded that there is good in humanity, and that they themselves are human. When you're in a position where you have to reach up to touch rock bottom, that reminder can make all the difference in the world.
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